118 - a long sad rant

I really need a place to let this out. Or more like, let everything out. Everything is on pause here, I know I'm going against my own rules as per usual. But drawing isn't helping me at the moment because everything looks wrong. And the moment something looks right I have to give it to someone. But it was my choice anyway...besides, the drawing that looked right was copied. I can't copy the right-ness of someone else's life. What is the cause of this? Maybe it's stress. And also, the free time I have. Anime, manga, and drawing have been distracting me from worrying during my free time. Of course, when I go out all is forgotten as well but everytime I settle down I notice a lot of problems that still needs to be solved. Morever, how could I even care about something more than the important main priority? Although I say that we all need to believe in imposibbles, I've grown tired of doing so. Besides, imagining that rabbits can talk all by yourself isn't fun. There's no motivation to continue believing. It's so annoying because sometimes people waste their effort letting out their problems but the other side can't understand it a 100%. It's not their fault of course. At the spot, you'll feel better..it's a win-win situation. But then, I know it'll feel the same in just a while because the problem is still there. It's like a drug, to revive you. But I don't want to take drugs. I wish there would actually be a human being that continuously knows how I feel. That would be me being selfish. I may not look like I would be scared of anything but it's because everytime I do, I lie to myself about not being scared. Of course eventually, I overcome my fear. Just like overcoming my fear of the dark or having no friends. But then, at times the fear would come back stronger and lying wouldn't even work. Or maybe the fear is so big that lying wouldn't even help. Nowadays, I try not to lie to myself. But in some cases, I'd have to wish for a miracle to happen. I have to believe that the grass is greener on the other side when the situation looks like there wouldn't be any grass at all. Morever, I have to think of all the other little stuff like the animals dying along the way, and..the lake going dry. What a horibble path to take, I say to myself. I'm inspired to write a story now. But I guess it would be nicer to doze off.